GIVING UP OR STANDING TALL

GIVING UP OR STANDING TALL 

People love happy endings. But not every story has a happy ending. And such stories are mostly

forgotten with the thought that sadness is a part of life. Happy stories give hope and sad stories show us the mirror.

She always believed in happy endings. That one day a knight in shining armour will come and save the day. She loved the stories of Snow White and Cinderella where evil was surpassed by good. She was a nice girl. Right from the start. From the day she was born. I won’t say that she was an angel. But she wasn’t the devil either. Everyone loved her as a child is loved. Or maybe more. Who knows? Her parents doted on her. She was born with a silver spoon. Not exactly. But yes. Her life wasn’t difficult either. She was happy. And had every reason to be. Life isn’t always a fairytale. But it isn’t a

bed of thorns either.

I have heard that she was a very chirpy child. Very happy and irritating sometimes. I was happy and excited to meet her. I had heard so much about her right from her dimpled cheeks to her boisterous laughter, I was dying to meet her. I had heard she knew how to live life to the fullest.

She had lost her father at the age of fifteen and was left with her mother and a little sister and a

huge swarm of relatives who didn’t give a damn whether her family lived or not. Her mother was a respectable scientist and that was one point in her favour.

I was struck by the sparkle in her eyes and dimples when I first met her. I didn’t know where to start from. I had just failed my 12th board. I was on the brink of depression and had attempted suicide once when my mother asked her for help.

She was ready at once.

Without any question or any formality, she smiled warmly at me as if I was a family member. She welcomed me in her home. I didn’t know what she would do to make me see the better part of my life. It was a secret that I was going to kill myself once I was free from there.

She handed me a glass of water and sat opposite me on the chair. I looked around in her room where different sketches and posters were hanging from the wall. I could see a book shelf as tall as the wall filled with all types of books and novels. God! She was a voracious reader. I could see a study table filled with pictures of her and her sister and trophies from her college. A typical teenager’s room. Though she wasn’t a teenager. She was more an aunt at the age of twenty-three. Must be her sister’s idea of room decoration, I thought. She doesn’t seem that type of a person to me.

As long as it took me to survey her room, she was staring at me. Smiling. Weird. She shouldn’t be doing that! It makes people uncomfortable. I fidgeted in my seat. She waited for me to start.

‘Nice room,’ I started. She sat there smiling.

‘Thanks. I drew everything in here. And that is my personal collection,’ she pointed to the book

shelf.

‘I see,’ I nodded. Without seeing anything.

‘Don’t worry. I won’t be lecturing you on anything, ‘she said. ‘I want you to tell me why you

attempted suicide.’

I stared at her matter-of-factly. Is she really dumb or what? Didn’t she know that my life was over! I have failed my boards. A student’s life ends when he or she fails.

‘I wanted to try something new!’ I said sarcastically.

She laughed. That booming laughter. I just stared at her. She was dumb.

‘Okay. All right. I won’t stop you the next time you want to do something like this. But I want you to listen to a story.’

Story? I hated them.

‘Look. I know you want to help me. But please don’t. I don’t want to hear your stories. I already

know that your dad died when you were of my age. I know you have seen a lot more than me but hey, wake up! I lost my dad too. Don’t you dare say that I shouldn’t be disheartened.’

‘I won’t say anything like that.’ Her voice was sad now. No smile on her face. ‘I wasn’t going to

tell you anything about myself. I thought that a story like Cinderella’s or Snow White’s won’t make you happy. I never thought of myself as a survivor, you know. I merely tried to live.’ She had a distant expression on her face. ‘What do you know about me ?’ she asked turning towards me.

‘I know that you were an average student and that your dad died when you were young. But you still achieved what you wanted. Life isn’t as easy as yours is, you know. You were helped by your grandfather. Your grandfather paid for your tuition and settled you in this house. I don’t have any godfather like that. No one is going to save me from this. No one will come and say that it’s okay if you failed your boards. Everyone is going to blame me for this.’ I was on the brink of losing myself again. I stopped and took a deep breath.

‘I would say that it’s okay that you failed your boards. That it’s fine if you failed this one time. It’s not everything you know,’ she said, sympathy written on her face.

‘I don’t want your sympathy!’ I shouted at her. ‘I just want to die. My life isn’t as easy as yours.

You get that!’

‘I hope that you never see what I have seen, dear,’ she replied with a distant look on her face.

I didn’t know what to say. We sat in silence for couple of minutes. Before I could break it, she

started, ‘My father wasn’t as idealistic as you think.’ She turned towards me. ‘He cheated on my mom.’

I stared at her open-mouthed. ‘He never loved my mother. My mom did not love him either. Life is a bitch. And then you die,’ she said and turned towards the window. ‘You think that my life is easy? Think again. The grandfather that you are praising, he tried to rape me after three months of my dad’s death.’

I stared at her expressionless face, dumbstruck.

‘Do you know what it feels like when a person whom you trusted . . . who has seen you grow up . . . who has seen you in your diapers places his hands on your chest ? When the same person who has given you piggyback rides when you were a toddler starts fondling your breasts pretending innocence? When the same person tries to touch your naked back by pulling up your T-shirt? When the same person touches you in the most private way and all you can do is stare at him. Dumbstruck?’

She said all this with an expressionless face. She wasn’t present there mentally.

‘How did you . . . ?’ I couldn’t complete the question. Didn’t know what to ask. What do you ask a girl who has seen all this? What do you ask her? Whether he succeeded or not?

‘No, he didn’t succeed. I locked myself in my room pretending to change my dress and didn’t come out till my mom returned. I told her everything and that was the last time I was ever left alone with him.’ She turned towards me with a serene smile.

‘You didn’t do anything ? I mean like put him behind bars?’ I asked.

‘What do you do when you have a sister to think of and a mother who is supported by her father?

When that same father tries to rape you? You just stay shut. Because you have to think about everyone. No, I didn’t do anything. I kept shut,’ she said with that same smile

‘How can you still smile? With everything that has happened . . . how could you leave everything behind and move on ?’

‘That is what you need to learn, my dear. Things happen. Some terrible and some mild. But you

have to know what are your priorities. Whether you let these things push you down or whether you look at your loved ones and decide to stand up again.’ She looked into my eyes. ‘I decided to think about my family. About their happiness. And I knew my problems were minor, as large was their happiness for me. Always have someone whose happiness matters more to you than your own. Everyone says your happiness is the most important, . . . but your happiness may fail you sometimes. If someone else’s happiness is more important to you then you will be happy just to see that person smile.’

‘How can you say all this with that smile ?’ I was confused. How can she still be so normal?

‘My family smiles when I smile. So do I. It’s all in the circle. You are happy for the person you

love and that person is happy to see you happy. Life doesn’t always serve you on a silver platter.

Sometimes you have to search for it.’

‘Do you still see him ?’ I asked, sympathetically.

‘Yes. I do. He comes home often. And places his hand on my head. Though I duck out of his touch. But still. I do see him. And it’s mandatory for me. I can’t make my mother lose her father as I did mine. I want to see her happy. That’s all.’ Saying that she flashed a full dimpled smile.

I did not know what she has seen or not. Or whether she was right or wrong.

My mom came to take me back. By the time I was in the car, she was smiling again. That same full dimpled smile. She winked at me once and then waved me off.

I didn’t know whether I was a better human or not after this encounter. But I knew this much, that I could survive this.

‘I want to join school again, Ma. I will reappear in the exams,’ I told my mother. She gave a startled cry and thanked God for this.

Somewhere she was right. I was happy seeing my mother smile because of me. She did know some things if not everything. I don’t worship her nor is she my ideal but I am not going to kill myself for now. 

I know she coped with the downs of life. And so can I.